It's these buggers trying to sell me messed-around-with fruit whilst speaking in a childish voice that expects me to believe that if I buy from them I'll be saving both the world and myself. I'm referring, of course, to the evil geniuses at Innocent (the clue's in the word - who else but the evil would choose such a name?) and their swelling cohort. They've now been joined by another company mining out the same pulpy, eco-religious seam. They're called Bear (as in the ones who do it in the woods).
Instead of relieving you of the awful inconvenience of having to actually chew fruit (the boon to civilisation provided by Innocent, their previous employers) these likely lads are drying fruit for you. This will mean you don't have to go to the trouble of, er, eating it fresh, I suppose.
I will leave you with a flavour of what I'm sure they'd call their mission, which by the way isn't just about making money, it's about looking after yourself. Naturally, through the miraculous medium of dried fruit. Which they obviously feel passionate about.
Here it is (I find it helps if you say it in your head using the voice of Peep Show's Robert Webb):
We're a bit attitude-y, a bit grrrr. It's about nature - and that's edgy. To make an impact in this market you've got to be proactive and shout louder. We have to raise the bar. Bring it on, I say.
Wow. (And interesting echoes of George W Bush at the end). Naturally, they don't deign to have a proper address, claiming they work at Bear, The Big Cave, Deepest Darkest Hazel Wood. Perhaps only the very worst nightmares of Marx, Engels, Morris, Owen, Herzen, Kropotkin, etc. could have prepared them for this. That the leading edge of consumer capitalist innovation should consist of twee infantilism allied to claims that aren't much different from those used to sell medieval indulgences is rather shaming for we fans of the market.
It was probably Malcolm McLaren* who advised 'never trust a hippy' (originally coined with respect to Branson, the original beardy block that these chips have flaked from). For me, this is one of the greatest and most reliable dictums of modern times. But as a rule ignored. Why can't we just eat normal food like proper grown-ups? Why do you need your chin tickled when you reach into the fridge? What the feck's wrong with an apple?
* And he should know being something of an expert on trust and its abuse. The quote has also been attributed to both John Lydon and Sid Vicious. Typically of the Pistols, the successful bits have many fathers (the death of Sid being something of an orphan).